So, I've come to a conclusion about this whole dating thing. It. Is. Not. Right. I mean, who has a blog because they have so many dates their friends can't keep track. I've realized that I have a codependence problem. To make my point, some history:
At 17 I moved in with an alcoholic, we're gonna call him Joel because that is his name. The drinking was cool at 17, because drinking was all the rage in my life. But then I grew up. I lived with the guy for five years before I finally had to leave. He had a son, age five when we met, who I adored, but the relationship between me and Roo from a psychological perspective was a "safe" relationship, because nothing was at stake. I adored Roo, and it was hard to leave, but in a fit of manic passion (I'm bipolar) I ran away from that life.
Six weeks later, at 21, I met my ex Jeremy. We had the love at first sight thing going on, and he moved in after a month. So, I spent a whopping six weeks single. Jeremy had a lot of problems going on with his life, and he depended on me for a lot. This was a large part of our undoing because it was my want to fulfill all his needs that made me, ahem, controlling. December 21, 2010 Jeremy left out of the blue and got his own place.
A week after Jeremy left my friend Jon (I mean friend, no sex here) came and stayed with me for about two weeks, off and on.
At the end of January, Moody Love Toy and I had our tryst for a week. He messaged me on Facebook on the 31st of January and we progressed to talking on Yahoo Messenger. He was staying in Unionville (think Moorseville) so after chatting, me crying because Jeremy called and was an ass, and more chatting, I decided to go get him. We agreed to NSA/rebound/nothing serious sex for a week, and that would be the end of it. But, me being me, I half way fell for the guy.
Now, this was not a good idea. 1. He's set to deploy next spring, so any relationship we did develop in a year's time would be in peril. 2. His life is in pieces, but that was a part of the attraction, because of the codependency. 3. He has two kids by two different women, which means DRAMA. So, from an intelligent point of view, this was not a good idea, this whole luv thing. But we had a really really good time and he still kind of has a part of my heart. Which I try to ignore. I like to think I do a good job of that. :-/
Once Moody and I had out time together, he moved in with his father in Greenwood and we saw each other a few times a week. This was cool, but then he went away for National Guard training and when he got back we rarely talked and haven't seen each other since. We've made plans, broken plans, I've been busy, he has his son, something happens. There isn't much said via chat other than "how are you?" and maybe ten minutes of convo. No professions of undying affection, though I make jokes about being infatuated with him once in a while. On to the rest of the tale, then.
After Moody, I started my dating spree. This was supplemented by picking up guys where ever I happened to be (the bank, punk shows, grocery store, dollar store, apartment leasing office) and Craig's List ads. Now, I gotta say, CL is NOT the place to meet guys. They all either are unemployed, live at home, live with ex's, have a mental disorder (yeah, I'm bipolar, but I need stability from my man), or are just creepers. This really wasn't a satisfying experience. The sex I did have was awful and though varying degrees of attractive, the guys were not very multidimensional. Most of them didn't get larger concepts, made fun of the whole vegan thing, picked on my cats, or found a way to make me irritable in some other way. It had it's moments of fun, but I found myself looking for and wanting something more.
And that's when I started the soul searching. Realizing I'm codependent is just the tip of the psychological ice burg. I've ordered books from the library and I'm going to tackle this like I did my bipolar disorder, but I've got a lot of work to do. I'm going to try to reign in the flirting, no more CL ad's and hopefully that will end the parade of dates. But this goes a lot deeper than that. So now, this blog is going to be a dating blog mixed with my mental health progress. If that's your thing, stick around.
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